On Transition, Part Two: Action
Or, Mia’s Adventures in a haunted courthouse
CW for dysphoria and mentions of sexual activity. It’s all pretty tame, but if we’re coworkers or something, maybe skip this one. Or don’t, I’m a blog, not a cop.
So to put us into perspective, I had made this huge, life changing, nebulous decision to transition. The weird thing about transition is that actually doing it is a very worldly and almost procedural process that doesn’t have much immediate feedback into the big feels that started everything. I also felt like I went through the major steps a lot of trans folks do quite quickly. This is partially because I am impatient, partially because I wasn’t super comfortable in a state that I felt like was in-between, and partially because I wanted to be “finished” by the time I started my first full-time job and met a bunch of new people. Here’s what happened:
As I am a niche internet micro celebrity1, coming out naturally started by Posting. I had been talking about gender stuff with a friend, and she encouraged me to make a post for National Coming Out day in October. I thought it would be a good time to be like “hey I’m questioning, so if you see me trying gender stuff, that’s why”, as I knew I’d be out online before doing anything in real. This is a little silly in retrospect since people would be able to figure it out, but I was scared and wanted to take some control. Due to the day, and me apparently giving “huge egg vibes”, most people took this post instead as “Mia’s finally out everyone :D”. This response was both incredibly touching and also mortifying as I already felt like I had bitten off more than I could chew. Multiple people asked me my new name, which I had given zero thought to. I’ve always been ambivalent towards names, I kinda wish I didn’t need one at all, but my former name is very gendered so it would’ve kept coming up. I tried “Ash” after seeing it in a “list of cute transfemme names” on TikTok, but enough people make Pokemon jokes over the few days that I abandoned it. I liked the short name, so I asked the then-new ChatGPT to come up with a name like Ash for me; it spit out Mia, and I liked it!
The rest of Fall semester ‘23 involved talking about it with my close friends, and a lot of soul searching. I lived with three roommates, and them using my new name and identity was incredibly affirming, and made me feel like I was on the right path. How I dressed was a huge part of my current dysphoria, so I also started buying new clothes: I already had a hard enough time navigating clothing stores, so I stuck to online. Amazon Basics was a great way to get clothes that were cheap and easy to return, great for figuring out what I liked to wear without feeling like I was taking too much of a risk. Stitchfix was also incredibly helpful early on, since I was able to just put in a few measurement/sizes and I get nice clothes in the mail.
I made the decision to not come out at school since I was part way through senior year and most of my social circle I knew through other means. Although it led to some awkward situations, I’m glad I did, since it would’ve been more trouble than it’s worth. I started thinking about HRT over Christmas break, encouraged by one friend in particular. I was intrigued by its effects but worried about weight gain, if I would look strange after going on it, and its effects on sexual activity. However, having masculine attractive features was something I didn’t want in the first place, so loosing it was in fact the goal, even if I was “giving something up”.
This decision also forced me to think about fertility preservation, since that needs to be performed before HRT. It was deeply strange to make such a definite decision about having children at a time when it would otherwise be far outside my mind, but a friend and I had a really great conversation about how important the experience of pregnancy can be for people, and how if I could leave that possibility open for future partners, I should. I went with a service called Legacy, which is done entirely via mail, and significantly cheaper than other options. The site also gives millennial DTC startup vibes, which gives me pause about their longevity, but who knows. I was happy with how the process went, although it felt very weird throughout, and now I don’t really think about it all that much, despite being ambivalent to glad I did it. Protip: you need to do a bloodtest before, but there’s some law in NY and NJ that makes the collection process way more difficult than if I had lived anywhere else, so I’d recommend just getting the tests done at a clinic.
With that done, I wanted to start the HRT process. However, I was moving states in a few months, so felt hesitant to start the process then immediately have to change providers. Luckily, a friend recommended a telehealth clinic called QueerMD, which specializes in HRT. I somehow got an onboarding appointment the next day, and was able to start soon after. QMD is an amazing informed consent clinic, and I’d recommend them to anyone comfortable with Telehealth looking for HRT. I was put on an ramping course of estradiol and bicaludamide pills, which has worked well. For Boston area folks, I know many people happy with their care at Fenway Health, however I have heard they don’t perscribe bicaludamide (not sure if this is still the case), which is unfortunate since I’m quite happy with it over spirolactone’s more pronounced side effects.
Next on my goals for Spring was changing the name and gender marker on my ID. Since I moved around a lot during college, where I would even file the paperwork was unclear, but since my driver’s license was still issued by Maine (the state I grew up in), I filed it there despite not actually living in Maine at the time. Maine is quite easy to file a name change in: I filled out this one page form, and took it to the apparently haunted county courthouse to file. They then sent me my hearing date, along with a request to file a full credit report and proof that I had notified any creditors I owed more than a certain amount of money to. They didn’t actually say how to file a credit report (and I happened to owe over the amount on my credit card when the report was filed) so I printed out the FreeCreditReport.com page, my credit card statement, and a note explaining everything with my signature, put it all in an envelope and FedEx’ed it to the courthouse. This was evidently sufficient to show I was not dodging creditors, and they even mailed everything back to me. On my court date, I showed up and sat on a bench in the hallway, then was called into a room behind a frosted glass door. To my complete shock, it was a real court room with the prosecutor/defendant tables, a gallery, a recorder, and even a fucking bailiff. The judge walked in and gave an incredibly touching speech of which I remember absolutely none of since I was so nervous, he banged his gavel, and my name was changed. A few tips about this:
- The court order is what you need to change your social security card (needed for I-9 verification), driver’s license, and passport, which are the main forms of ID in the USA, so you need it first.
- I didn’t feel the need to change my birth certificate, as none of the other ID changes needed that, and besides that I didn’t really see a reason to. Also, I had gotten a re-issued birth certificate from Tulare County and it was a fucking nightmare, so I didn’t want to do it again.
- Try not to do this while living out of state. The court date was randomly assigned, so I had to get from Manhattan to Maine and back on a random Tuesday
- Request multiple copies of the court order if it is possible, both as a backup, and because you need to send originals to change other documents.
- Try to have someone go with you to court. It is quite nerve-wracking, especially if you’ve never been in a court room, and it would’ve been nice to have some backup
After I graduated, I was planning on returning to a company I had interned at, and so needed to inform them of my new name. This was incredibly nerve-wracking as it was the first time I was in the world as a woman to people who aren’t my friends/family. Additionally, electrical engineering is not known as the most queer field, so I was probably the first transgender person most of my coworkers had interacted with regularly. I wrote a short email to my boss and HR after I got my return offer, he congratulated me, and it was the end of that. I also never felt uncomfortable at work being trans, which was an occasional concern, so if any former coworkers are reading this, thanks for being chill. I also rushed my ID changes so I would be official by the time I started, which ended up not really being necessary, since the only time I had to use my legal name was with one person who was onboarding me. Changing the name on my social security card also fucked up my credit reporting for a few months, which made buying a car a huge pain, so I wish I had waited until I was settled. Not a big deal in the grand-scheme, but something to keep in mind.
Despite having done a lot of the big bureaucratic stuff by May ’24, I still am growing as a woman and developing my skills and tastes around my new identity, and hope I continue to do so for a long time. Some final advice that I couldn’t quite fit in other places:
- Transition wasn’t quite what my perception of it from seeing things online was. Specifically, there are a LOT of people taking very different paths then what is generally thrown around as the expected action items. People are also a lot more judgmental and scared online than in real life.
- Despite being queer, there are still significant beauty and body standards for transfemmes2, especially in porn. Be cautious of that, especially if you’re thinking that someone who looks like you couldn’t be a woman, because you probably can!
- Passing isn’t really a binary thing, and is affected by tons of factors, ones you can and can’t control
- More people are completely cool with trans people than you may think, and probably see you actually as your gender, rather than just remembering to use the pronouns you told them. It can sometimes take shockingly little.
- Having trans friends I could confide in and help me made this all possible. I know this isn’t super actionable, and for that I’m sorry, but it really got me through the hard parts.
Thanks for listening, and Happy pride!